This whole move requires a lot of coordination. A lot of assessment. A lot of comparative shopping. I needed to set my final day at work making sure it wasn't too early (so I could keep a paycheck and health insurance) but leaving enough time to get stuff done. We had to assess what kind of repairs the house needs to put it on the market. This is always a tough balancing act--enough investment but not too much that won't get returned. There's the balancing act of pricing the home, finding the sweet spot. Given the market everywhere but especially in Taos, this is a very stressful tightrope. We have lived in a special home...like so many places here. Each is different, unique and custom. Some are crazy weird. Some are palatial. Some are dumps. There are so few other homes that have sold in our neighborhood the comps don't seem statistically significant enough. There is a lot of letting go of expectation, of old hopes, old beliefs, old plans. Then there a pile of things we are waiting on to fall into place half way across the planet. And on and on...cars, furniture, stuff. Frustration. Urgency. Needing it all to get done NOW. All while maintaining normalcy for the children who are under their own stress and grief and excitement with moving.
The depression I felt that night a few weeks ago had a familiar feel: working on so many things that were out of my control, working on so many things that would come to fruition some time in the future. The cascade of events leading up to this started in November. It's now April-ish. Seven months. I remember feeling 7 months pregnant. That was it. You start to feel tired at that point. You start to feel big. You start to get stretch marks. Your body is not your own. You start to think you may never get there, and that everything is really so much out of your control. One thing I learned in pregnancy (and then over and over again) is surrender. Just when I think I can control everything I am smacked down and shown that I am so wrong. So humbling.
The morning after my emotional nadir, I woke up and fully felt like I could surrender to the process. I had a vision of each issue I was waiting on as a silvery sphere that I lifted up and put into the sky, released into the universe. They were spinning up there like those crazy sculptures that have a huge stone sphere suspended in a waterfall. I was relinquishing it all to the universe. Just like when you wait for a baby. I explained how I realized this to Mike. He said "Of course, we are birthing a new life." Yes. We are.
